Loneliness

I’m miserable tonight and don’t try to make me happy. I hate that. You know, when people try to turn you into a happy freak when maybe, you have a legitimate reason for feeling crappy. Those that know me know why I feel blue, or purple, or grey. Yah, grey sounds good. Which is really funny since I love to wear grey.
Did I tell you I was miserable?

All this actually got me thinking about loneliness. It’s one of those common factors found in all human beings. But, what’s been really passing through my river mind is how many different types of loneliness that someone can go through.

I remember, when I was little…well, for as long as I can remember, I was lonely because I felt so misunderstood. It was hard because when I would be myself around people, they would grow insulted over something I said. Or maybe, just who I was became a nuisance. So, I grew inside myself.

Then, there was the dating era which felt like that would never end. At one point, there was a year and a half where I didn’t date anyone (Thank God!). It was hard though. Coming home, to quiet and dark and no one to share your day with. I think one of the most powerful questions to ask someone is, “How was your day?” I believe this for two reasons. One is that you are giving them the floor. You are letting them know that you want to know what’s going on in their heart. The other is that….they have someone listening to them. Oh, the glory of being heard, really heard, and understood.

I remember walking into one of my single friends apartment and I had gone to her bedroom to check it out. She asked me what I thought of the place and I said,”Your bedroom is so lonely.” We hadn’t known each other long and I think I kind of threw her.

Another loneliness was during my first year of marriage. It was hell. And I found my self alone in my own marriage. Sleeping next to someone who didn’t even want to know who I was. Because, like Captiving so brilliantly puts it, I was too much and not enough.

But there is always a gift in everything that we are given. And the gift in loneliness is that we can still be free. It may hurt and it’s okay to cry. But, like Rich Mullins said, “It’s okay to be lonely, as long as your free.” Tonight, if you are lonely, look for the freedom that you have, and if you aren’t free, go to God and ask for it.

He loves to set his kids free.

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One thought on “Loneliness

  1. Earlier tonight, I found myself choking back tears as I stood in the darkness of a friend’s yard, looking in her window at the light and activity inside. It seemed in that moment that it was a picture of my life…all alone out in the cold, the world unaware of my existence–even as I was telling myself it wasn’t true.I remember, though, what it was like to be lonely and NOT alone…and that was worse by far than simply being alone. A friend once told me to rejoice in my single-againness and take advantage of every opportunity to go and do the things I won’t have the freedom to do once I’m no longer single–on some days, that’s really easy for me…on others, it’s not. Now that it seems this season is ending for me, I want to seize the days and make the most of them.I love it on the days (most of them nowadays) when I can take my eyes off myself long enough to see the gift of the day. 🙂 Thanks for reminding me to do that tonight.(I think I’m purple…)

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