Catch My Breath

This is not what I expected.

In the effort to detox and regroup my heart and mind, I quit Facebook.

I thought it would help. And, in a different way, it has.

Quitting one thing, means I have time for something else.

Like paying attention to my life.

Maybe that was the beauty of Facebook that so few of us are willing to admit.

It’s an escape. If I’m looking at one thing, I don’t have to look the the other…

pain

discouragement

dissatisfaction

irritation

frustration

callousing

ache

that keeps growing inside of me.

If I can ignore it, I can negate it’s existence.

Sorry. It does not.

Like a cancer, anything that’s ignored will only spread.

It will creep slowly or rage like wild fire. The choice isn’t up to me at all.

It will grow

regardless.

So, now, I am faced head-on with what’s really happening.

It’s a salvation and a frustration. Spring is finally exploding all around me. This is my favorite season and I’m glad that my head is up, taking in all the wild sensations that Spring brings. It is lovely.

And, I’m awake to my inner life. I can feel the things, hear the voices, ride the waves of emotions now that the waters aren’t so muddied.

What I thought would make my life easier, has probably made it harder, because now I have clearer eyes to see my current circumstances.

And, it’s things that require decisions.

Love there.

Forgive here.

Let go here.

Take a break there.

Ask for help.

Stand my ground.

Open my heart.

Find my voice.

Say the thing.

Do the action.

Pray the prayer.

Break new ground.

Find healing.

Be broken.

Honestly, I thought quitting Facebook would make me happier.

It only made things more real.

So, what now?

I choose to sit. And, admit that the place where I find myself will not be forever.

The ache in my chest will eventually dissolve.

And…

I am not alone.

I have what I need to do what I need to do.

It’s just going to take some time.

And, some steps.

And, making space to catch my breath.

Which has become a prayer that I pray.

Jesus,  catch my breath.

Photo Credit: “Baby’s Breath” by Pixabay

 

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